Tonight I find myself asking questions I have asked a thousand times over. The one that always stands out, and always seems to be the first question I have….what am I doing wrong? Some of you have read my Hope, Faith, and Fertility blog, but this week I am struggling with that concept.
Once again I get to play the waiting game. Every month I get to wait and see if my body is going to do what it is supposed to. I am a day late. Let me stop you from getting overly excited, I have already been mocked by that damn negative symbol on that stick of disappointment. So once again I find myself asking questions. This happens almost every month. For awhile I was doing really well, everything was running and working smoothly, but here I am..obssessing over another negative pregnancy test.
This week I found out two couples in our family are expecting little bundles of joy to arrive later in the year. As ecstatic as I am for them, and I really truly am very happy for them, I am having a hard time with the news.
My husband told me on Sunday. It was interesting because when he told me, he kind of braced me for it. He came in the house after hanging up the phone, he stood behind me as I sat on the couch, and he put his arms on my shoulders. I asked him how so-and-so were doing, not looking up from whatever mundane tv show I was watching. He gripped my shoulders tightly saying they are good…good news for them bad news for us. I finished his sentence for him and simply replied, “they’re pregnant” the grip on my shoulders got a little tighter as he sighed, “yeah….and so are….”
We sat there for a couple of minutes until he broke the silence. Not looking at him I heard the tremble in his voice as he spoke. That’s when I started crying. I stood up and went around to the back of the couch, and we hugged each other. With tears running down both of our faces, I asked what am I doing wrong.
I know there are women out there who have this same question. If you have any answers, please share them I would love to know what I am missing.
I know that there is a plan that I am not seeing, and I know I am being tested, but I am struggling this week with staying positive and keeping my hope alive. I find myself wondering what the point of all my diet and exercising is because it isn’t changing anything. I feel so out of control over my own body and I have bouts of resentment towards my uterus.
What is the point of having a uterus if it is not going to work anyway?
It usually takes me a couple of days to bounce back and regain my positivity. But I am not there yet. Right now I am caught somewhere between confusion and sadness and I am trying not to eat my feelings. Seriously, the easter candy is calling my name. I stared at a jar of Nutella for about 15 minutes this morning before deciding yogurt would be a better breakfast option. I have also been very uninspired this week and I have encouraged bad choices. I had someone ask me about lunch food and working out and I literally said I am not the person to ask because I will tell you to do whatever you want to do because it doesn’t matter anyway. That went over pretty well actually, she got the cheeseburger she was craving and enjoyed every bite. I am just trying to find my happy place this week, and work through my own crap. My husband’s tears really threw me off. I was not expecting him to have that reaction. But I am happy he did because it brought us closer together and reminded me that I am not alone and it is not my fault. I end up feeling like it is my fault and that I am damaged somehow. I feel like it is my burden to bear and since it is my body that is not cooperating, it is my fault.
I am not looking for sympathy or pity, and I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am just trying to clear my head. As I stated before I am overjoyed for both couples and I can’t wait to meet the new additions. Please do not misconstrue this blog post as anything other than me searching for answers.
I have a hard time talking about this, mostly because I don’t like having to talk about it at all. But I know there are couples out there who have been dealing with infertility a lot longer than we have. I know there are couples out there who have been dealt crappier cards than we have. But tonight I am hoping to connect with anyone who may be feeling the same way I am feeling and who might be asking the same questions I am asking. Because I know I am not alone, and neither are any of you.