This morning I found myself laying in bed, flirting with the snooze button on my alarm, and struggling to remove myself from the cocoon of warmth that I had created over the night. Somehow I managed to pull myself out of bed and make it to my boot camp class I talked about in Boot Camp Beginings
I have finished my 30 for 30 and I am very sad about this. However, I am able to continue to catch a class every Saturday at 8am or 9am because they do free camps for anyone who would like to go. Needless to say, I have gone to class the last 2 Saturdays!
The plan that I had was to continue with my jazzercise classes through the week, and when Saturday rolls around I will continue with the boot camp. Solid plan, right?
Well, this past week I skipped any and every opportunity to work out that came along for me. I was not in the best mood earlier in the week, and I found myself really struggling for any motivation to keep up my workout routine. All week-long I sat on the couch after work and I stared at the television instead of doing anything remotely productive. Many bags of Easter candy were consumed and I enjoyed every piece. Around Wednesday my mood started changing back to normal, and Thursday was like a bipolar episode in comparison to Monday morning. By Friday I was ready to get back in gear and work up a sweat.
Back to my warm bed this morning..
I pushed myself to wake up and head out. To be fair I did set my alarm to go off at 6:30am so I could be up at 7 and at boot camp by 8am. A lot of planning just to get to a workout class! Yes, I am one of those people who has to set my alarm early enough that I can snooze and somehow manage to get where I need to be on time. Usually about a half hour is all I need. I even went to bed early enough last night that I could make it happen. I didn’t want to go to the later class because I didn’t want to get such a late start in the day. I had all the best intentions. So when my alarm went off at 6:30am….I hit snoozed until 7:45am. The later class just looked too good to miss I suppose.
I got out of bed and I turned on my Spotify. When I am getting ready for a work out I usually listen to a list I have cutely named Work Bitch. Yes. Like the Britney Spears song. No judgements. It is a list of hyped up hip hop and pop that gets me in the mood to conquer whatever is in store for me at class. Today was no different.
I stood in the bathroom, dancing as I got dressed, and washed my face and brushed my teeth. I threw my hair up in a very messy pony, and I put on some tinted moisturizer and some mascara. Why the small amounts of makeup? I’m just going to be sweating it off, right? I would be sweating the small amount of make up off, but I firmly believe that if you feel cute to work out, you will actually go and work out. The same goes for cute gym clothes. I know that if I feel good about myself when I walk into class, then when I am sweating and walking out of class I will feel even better. So on my way out the door this morning, I felt pretty confident that today was going to be a great day at boot camp.
I would soon find out how wrong I was!
I pulled into the parking lot and I proceeded to make my way into the building. On my way in, a fellow boot camper smiled and told me “today sucks” I laughed and said something to the effect of how wonderful that was and I continued to make my way towards the door. I should have taken her helpful hint to be more of a warning. I walked inside and I checked in and made my way across the room to change out of my street shoes. I was early enough I was able to get some stretching in before we started class. Later I would find this made no difference for me whatsoever.
Class started and our fearless leader told us to grab a partner. Which at that moment I realized there was absolutely no work out equipment on the floor. No weights, no hurdles, no medicine balls, nothing. I found a partner pretty quickly, a nice man who I have seen in class a few times. We will call him Joe for now. We introduced ourselves, made small talk for a few minutes, and we got comfortable with each other fairly easy. As we were talking the trainer started demonstrating what we would be doing for a warm up. I would just like to say that the warm up itself could have easily been the actual work out portion of class. As he was demonstrating what we would be doing I couldn’t help but laugh and notice what a funny man our trainer really is. He was hilarious, telling us about the partner push ups and the core circles and the squats we had as a warm up. A small giggle must have escaped my mouth because Joe started laughing at me and reassuring me that we could do whatever crazy form of warm up the trainer had showed us.
We slinked down to the floor and got in position to do our push ups. I must say that I started out the round fairly well. I was rocking the push ups in a pretty good pace. When it was time to move on to the core circles I was pumped to go through this mornings routine. Little did I know that by the time we were done with the warm up I would be ready to go home. As we continued with the warm up and started with the real work out, my body slowly started screaming at me.
In what seemed like a matter of minutes I felt my body start to shake and I felt extremely light headed. I slowed down with whatever circuit I was in the middle of and my mind started racing, looking for reasons why my body was reacting to the workout in such a bad manner. I slowly walked to the restroom and splashed water on my face and neck, looked in the mirror and realized I was a cooler shade of pale than what I normally am. I took some deep breaths and I headed back onto the mat and continued with my sadistic form of self-torture. I got back into a groove for a mere half-minute. The dizziness and the shakes were not going away, they would linger for the entire class.
Somehow I managed to make it through the 45 minutes of agony, and at the end got a high-five from Joe. I proceeded to apologize for being an inadequate partner and he said something to me that made me feel better and worse all at once.
“At least you made it through, that’s what counts.”
I knew he was right, but I couldn’t help feeling embarrassed.
I went back out to my car and sat with the radio on, tried to catch my breath, and drank a protein shamrock shake I had made for myself before class I wondered what the heck happened to me. On the way home I realized that I am what happened to me.
I started my week in such a crummy mood, that I literally did not care at all about any of the progress I have made or the progress I have the potential to make. I did not care about anything at all this week. I sat in a state of self hate and questioned what the point of everything was, and at the time I did not realize the damage I was causing. It wouldn’t have mattered if I knew about it or not, the mood I was in I wouldn’t have cared anyway. The moment of clarity came somewhere around me feeling embarrassed and feeling like I was going to pass out. I had done this to myself and I am the only one who can fix it.
I thought maybe my struggle this morning was simply because I hadn’t made it to boot camp in a week. But I soon realized it was much more than that. I had made a conscious effort earlier in the week to fill my body with things that I know are not good for it. Easter candy, donuts from work, fast food for lunch…just to name a few decisions I made. Paired with the bad foods I made the effort to skip any jazzercise class that I could have gone to, instead I chose to sit on the couch and watch whatever brain sucking television show that was playing at the time. I paid for every single bad decision I made this week within the first five minutes of my class this morning. I was not happy with that realization.
Earlier this week I was not able to see the light and I paid the price for it today. I did not give 100% of myself in class today, and I have nobody to blame except myself. I was not able to give my all because my body was not happy and that was my fault. I gave into the darkness and I spent a week doing damage to my body, and I have spent too much time, energy, and money to let that happen again. It didn’t take long for me to realize that all it takes is a few days to form (or get back into) bad habits. This morning I felt like I was starting all over. Now, it could be from the fact that I am no longer going to boot camp every other day, but I think the real reason is from having that bad attitude I had earlier in the week. But I think that is just my inner self trying to justify what happened this morning.
I know that things are hard, and I know that we all have days where we just can’t find the light, but I want to tell you that starting over is even harder. I am making a promise to myself and whoever is out there reading this… I promise that no matter how crummy my days are, or how irritated I get with the universe… I will not let myself get distracted by the negativity and I will not wallow in self-pity or self-hatred. I will continue to push through all of it and I will come out on top! (I challenge you to make the same promise to yourself!)
So to try to sum things up.
Take it from me. Keep pushing yourself through any rough patches you might be going through right now. Keep going and do not give up on yourself. You have all the control and you decide what will happen to you (pop over and read Reacting to Reactions if you want to hear more about this) We are our own obstacles and it is up to us to get through them. We should not be in competition with anyone but ourselves. Keep going and know that you can do whatever you put your mind to, and do not let your own demons start controlling your life. Little progress is still better than no progress, and Joe was right…at least I made it through class today!